Saturday, 19 June 2010

Now, where were we? Pre-Glastonomy prep.

We were left dangling last Boxing Day.

That was the glorious pre-recorded Christmas show with no room or facility for listener input. However, the final live broadcast with real interaction on 19th December also left several unanswered questions. These are too many to bother the BBC Blog with so I'm going to noodle through them here for my own peace of mind.

In the unlikely event that either Adam or Joe (well, if it's anyone it'll be Joe) is at a loss to know what to discuss at sunset on three consecutive evenings and the even more improbable situation wherein either of the idiotholes find themselves ego-surfing their way into my portal, perhaps these depths could be usefully plundered. Of course they won't be, as most of the hanging chads were Christmas themed and everything is empty headed nonsense.

This post in not going to make a great deal of sense if you can't immediately recall the details of the shows so you can listen to the last live show by right-clicking here.

I'm expecting the show on 25th June to start with the cosmic opposite of Adam's last heartbreaking, fractured-voiced sign-off in the form of an over-excited, delirious shriek of a greeting but given the lateness of the hour, there may be an air of hop-based calm to the intro.

I wonder, do the paper towels in the little man's room at Western House still smell of chunder? Are the ones in the Glastonbury loos better or worse?

At the opposite end of the temperature and clock scale, does Joe need to slap his face to keep himself awake in the heat of a glorious Summer Sunset evening?

Some lady-based Black Squadron members scantily clad themselves in tinsel for their Christmas command photo. The ranks have been in serious disarray for exactly six months and I can't help wondering if in some sub-conscious effort to please our commanders, there might be some random, involuntary submission of similar shots. Of course, to avoid the bad-luck fairy, no tinsel will be administered.

I wonder if they have a rough idea of how many things they got wrong in the last six months without us being able to mail & text in to put them right. We've been able to humiliate Adam at a fairly low level but it's been very difficult to identify Joe's failings in a satisfactory manner.

How far into the show, or indeed weekend, will we get before there's a little bit of a grump exchange? I'm thinking of when Joe read a TTN about boob casts which Adam wanted to elaborate on but Joe jealously guarded from him. I hope and suspect that the enforced separation has been so long that they will not realise how much they can annoy each other until Sunday when it dawns on them they would rather have got the afternoon train home instead of being stuck in a tiny Portacabin while the main act warbles away just close enough to tantalise and hear but not be able to see or atmos-drench.

Did Joe find time to enjoy the terribly lacy delights of any lingerie departments during his heavy work schedule?

Will there be any sticky residue from the before it was suspended? Will it be reinstated for Glasto weekend or should we use Adam's addy?

We can only hope that there will be some arithmetic humiliation for Joe and vocabulary-based chastisement for Adam.

I wonder whether any anonymous cowards will comment and advise on Joe's haircut. Will B12 injections have remedied the hole in Adam's beard?

Will there be a discussion about Lidley Lott's latest feature film? I'm silly enough to have been fretting about Joe finding the time to keep on top of the spring releases in all their theatrical glory. On the other hand, it will be fun to hear Adam discuss his thoughts on Street Dance 3D.

Might there be some more wonderful made-up jokes? I sent one in months ago. It was absolutely brilliant. I pictured the entire production team rolling around in fits of giggles for several seconds. It was not memorable.

Will Joe be able to shoe-horn "now, you like Star Trek" into one of the shows? Will he say "that was good though, that was good" when he clearly didn't think it was. In short, what manner of Exocet-style missile will the Commander chose to deploy at this happy time.

I wonder if Joe had a chance to pop into his perpetual panto production at some point. Will Adam's Mum have got her head around any unusual versions of The Orange Juice tracks?

During the Boxing Day show (which you can listen to on a right click here), Joe suggested Adam gave his children paper clips as gifts but Adam felt they wouldn't be impressed with that. I wonder if he even tried.

Can we assume that James Coffee Starling was able to rehabilitate the fairies he used to light the studio so festively? Their screams are "bewitching though also disturbing but hey that's Christmas" " and some fairies have got to suffer".

Let's hope that Joe has perfected his champagne pouring technique and that they've not had to sample any drinks with poo-notes this year.

Did Adam or Joe feel the need to punish anyone for presenting fake gift-wrapped objects?

I wonder if Joe has been cycling for long enough now to get over the terror of peds and Koreans doing irresponsible business on the roads. Do the police still hide in wait for him at Kennington Cross and if I wore a summer uniform could I stop him and take down his details? I do hope he has stopped cycling on the pavement. It's an appalling habit. If you're scared of the traffic, you're already a dangerous cyclist, mate!

I hope that Adam realised the bike on a parking post advice was absolutely solid. They go around in white vans & shimmy them up the poles. Sometimes there is little alternative but on no account should a post that has lost it's sign be entertained because there is absolutely NO obstruction to relieving the post of it's precious burden.

Did Joe get a stocking on Christmas Day? How much of the festive season was spent in the nude? Does Joe really admire Satan? He was almost too quick to deny his worshiping habits.

Did Adam see any women with cans of lager in his stocking?

Will Joe finish all three Sunset shows without eating during the links?

Did Adam investigate the commercial value of the skills he has in putting coloured gems around mirrors?

Has anyone found a mangled piece of lemon flavoured Hollywood chewing gum between the foil and the cork of a bottle of Beaujolais?

Did listeners attempt to contribute some sabotage nonsense to the show or indeed chat amongst themselves about it.

I can reveal that in more ludicrous times, I've had lovely fire and sheep-skinned based evenings so it doesn't just happen in the movies and I took all the necessary precautions to ensure that my eggs didn't get scrambled. Similarly, I do sometimes use the fridge light to do short tasks in the kitchen during the dark hours rather than fumble with the light switch.

Was James hospitalised after Joe's drunken corking?

How long did it take Joe to release himself from the hardened organic spaghetti long-johns? Did some pasta residue get stuck in the complex biology of his upper torso and will this compromise his chances of being cast for a mature cameo role in the next Twilight film? Does he have gym ones by now?

Were there any pig-in-a-blanket incidents when Adam was giving his Netherlands a festive wrap?

Still finding Mr Sakamoto's track a bit tear jerking. Twas ever thus for me but now it has the added emotional tagging of The Last Show of 2009.

The giving of the gifts left further unanswered questions.

How may listeners emailed "Frustration" when they were talking about the incarcerated dice? It would have been futile during the pre-recorded show but we've all felt moved to do irrational things to jump start their memory banks over the years.

Film bloggers everywhere want to know if Joe pressed his "That Was Easy" button after each take on Attack the Block.

I'm guessing Adam's Orrper comic is still lying around the special chemical toilet he keeps in his shed but I'd like to know for sure.

Did Joe read any of the Ant and Dec book Adam gave him and is it now propping up the leg of a table on his uneven patio?

So sweet that Adam's first reaction to Joe's preamble about him probably already owning this next gift was "is it a baby son?" * and even so, he kept making irony-based guesses for the ultimately wonderful gift of David Byrne's New York cycling book.

How many times did Joe play the Bob Dylan Christmas CD and was he a little bit annoyed to discover he would have to upgrade to a further enhanced release with a some additional tracks that Adam had unearthed over the last couple of months? It's "You Are the Quarry" all over again only not even as rewarding.

Will Adam tell us on which wall he put the Kings of Leon poster? Was it in his shed or did he donate it to one of his baby sons? Did he have to get a woman to iron it for him first? How many times did he watch "Nuts" and did it have a lovely, aggressive piracy warning on it?

Did Adam ever give Joe the fairy sticker book?

All these thoughts have been festering in my brain for half a year and they may well remain that way. So long as the show has some recognisable shape to it, we'll be happy.

Adam will have sauntered down tin-pan alley with his catchy noise-gathering sticks to delight us with some jingle-jongles although the usual Glastonbury ones are enough to sate all my desires if he runs out of time.

A Song Wars session would be too much to hope for unless Joe has been craving the opportunity to show off and trounce someone in the public arena while his little film is still locked in the secret chamber. They could submit them to us on Friday and give us the results on Sunday. If they are short staffed, I am available for vote counting duties back at the London base-camp. A kiss on both cheeks from Shaun Keaveny would be payment enough.

I suppose there is a possible scenario wherein some travellers may have rescued Boggins from the orphan boy & turned up at Glastonbury with him but I'm over that stinky dog. Is there any news about Andrew Lloyd-Webber's musical of the same name?

I think it has been confirmed already that the Goblin King will be joining Jools' sharrabang to the BBC enclosure and no doubt they will pop into to visit Adam and Joe during the festival.

Will Joe risk a dubious glance from Peter Jackson by delighting us with his cod New Zealand accent? Perhaps he will if he's had some cider.

I'm sure next weekend will be over before we know it but I'm going to savour every moment. I hope they know how happy they've made so many people, even fictitious ones like me.

*The Freudian irony of that has never escaped me.

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