Monday, 9 November 2009

Tim Groyn eases us through the pain of snooker again

Now I ask you, with breathing techniques and fly action like this, why wouldn't The Archers team write a very sexy role for Viscount Buckules?

From the BBC Comedy Blog
Tim Groyn writes...

Snooker, pastime of princes. Not for nothing do the professionals refer to the Crucible Theatre (where all snooker is played) as The Palace Of Small Hard Balls. I've loved Snooker ever since I first turned on the radio in the 60's and heard the DJ playing Chas & Dave's Snooker Loopy (Nuts Are We). What a song! I had to hear it again but in those days you couldn't simply go to i-tunes and download whatever you wanted. I had to walk 45 miles to the radio station and beg the DJ to let me use his i-tunes, which back then resembled a giant cooker. I rushed home with my giant wax MP3 of Snooker Loopy and listened to it non stop for 16 weeks. My parents cried and cried, assuming naturally that something was very wrong with me, but I was fine. At least I was physically fine. My mind had been infected with a chronic case of the Snooks.

It's hard to say what I love most about Snooko but it's probably the sticks, the green tables and the holes. I'm conflicted about the balls. On the one hand they're a crucial part of the game, on the other hand they are the enemy and must be pushed into the holes.

My hero as a teenager was Steve 'Mind Thunder' Davis who is still considered the greatest Snooktician of all time. I had posters of Steve, plates of Steve, clothes of Steve, sheets of Steve and a tattoo of Steve's face over my whole body (I still have this but when I'm working I'm often forced to conceal parts of it with make-up).

I remember when the 'satirical' puppet show Spitting Image dubbed him Steve 'Interesting' Davis. It was supposedly an ironic dig at the expense of his personality shortcomings and it enraged me to such a degree that one afternoon I burst into the Spitting Image offices with a snooker stick and threatened to kill every single one of the smug turds that wrote, puppetted and voiced that not-very-funny show unless they made the Steve Davis character more dynamic and cool. When I got out of prison I noticed that they had failed to heed my warnings and as a result I refuse to watch the show to this very day.

Nowadays a new star has risen in the stick-and-small-hard-ball firmament and his name is Ronny 'El Ronovator' O'Sullivan. My video Master Snooks (above) features Ronno wiping the floor with a player whose name I don't even recall, that's how insignificant a threat he posed to Ronjons. For 6 years now I've written a long love letter to the Ronbot every single day of the week but have so far not received a reply. I don't mind though, I know it's because Ronnimax is busy redefining the greatest game on the planet: Snookles.

Tim Groyn is, of course, an invention of Adam Buxton.


  1. It's funny, borderline unbearable... the nose-breathing! Gah! Makes Boggins seem like music to the ears.

  2. .....when you put it that way......let's save Boggins!